TO BEDHAIR OR NOT BEDHAIR
HOW TO DRAG YOURSELF TO SKOOL IN THE MORNINGS
HOW TO ROCK YOUR UNIFORM, OR, KIDS MUST ALL DRESS THE SAME, KIDS ARE ROBOTS, ETC.
Not a morning person? Don’t worry, you won’t become one until you’re at least forty! Maybe even later. (I still have to beat my mum with a pillow to get her out of bed on a school day …)
When I wake up in the morning, don’t know about you, but I’m always groggy and tired. I just want to stay in bed for as long as possible. My hair looks like a cross between Medusa and the gooey stuff that clogs up bathroom plugholes, my alarm is blaring, and often just getting up to turn it off involves tripping over onto my face because of the insane maze of mess on my floor.
But the first step toward conquering secondary school is waking up early, because it gives you time to make it look like you care. Trust me on this. Looking like you care impresses teachers and makes them think of you as an exemplary student.
Now, I have to say, school uniform? Good grief. Whoever invented it needs to be thrown off a cliff. Anyone would prefer wearing their own clothes to the blearh outfits schoolchildren are forced into for our teachers’ amusement.
But strange fact, teachers like to see us not only wearing the correct uniform, but it needs to be CLEAN too. What a notion, eh? Like kids and clean could ever be used in the same sentence without everyone feeling like the world is on backwards.
Hands up if your school doesn’t have a uniform.
Sorry, I couldn’t see that. Can you do it again?
Sadly, sticking to the rules of your uniform code is very important if you want to survive secondary school. Why? Because teachers like to see the uniform code working.
What? You’ve never heard of the uniform code? It’s basically like this …
KIDS MUST ALL DRESS THE SAME
KIDS ARE ROBOTS
And if your teachers don’t like you, because you don’t look the same as everyone else, they could make your life unpleasant and you won’t have their support.
You can’t survive secondary school without the support of at least one teacher.
It’s the hard truth.
‘TAKE SOME PRIDE IN YOUR UNIFORM!’
This phrase is one most commonly used by teachers. Usually it goes in one ear and out the other. But what does it really mean?
Button your shirt up neatly, wear your tie straight, tuck your shirt in, tie your shoelaces, dress up like a doll – oops, sorry, getting carried away there.
Or, if you’re anything like my older brother, you can stumble out of the house every morning looking like you slept in your clothes, shirt hanging out, mud-spattered shoes on the wrong feet, trousers smeared with something nobody can identify, no tie, even your underpants inside-out and the wrong way round – I mean, c’mon, man, who does that? – and face the inevitable wrath from your teachers.
(Or, in his case, just totally get away with it every time. It must be his evil charm. Because it isn’t his body odour which scares them away. Oh no.)
If you were one of those still holding their hands up because you don’t have a uniform, then make certain to go by the dress code of your school. Keep it casual and don’t wear unflattering (shock, horror) clothes.
Finally, don’t rush – it makes you look unorganised and people are less likely to respect you. Respect is the end goal, so messing it up at the very beginning isn’t exactly ideal.
Waking up early gives you enough time to make sure you have everything you need, and you can organise your outfit. An even better way to do it is to organise your clothes the night before, so you don’t make choices which could be very important while you’re tired in the morning.
Your bag is also important. You will have a lot more things to bring to school with you than usually if you’re really serious about ruling the school, so I recommend a large bag to fit everything in.
The best bags really are bigger on the inside.
WHAT’S IN YOUR SKOOL BAG?
As I mentioned before, your bag needs to be big so that you can fit in everything you’ll need, because you have to be organised and ready for anything. (If you want to survive secondary school, that is. If you just want to stare out of the window while chewing on your hair, you won’t need a bag. Stick your phone in one pocket and your lunch money in the other, and you’re set.)
So, if you’re ready, let’s start with the obvious one, your pencil case.
PENCIL CASE S-ENSHELLS (OK, that one didn’t quite work.)
You don’t want to be that one person who’s always asking for a pencil – it’ll make you unpopular, especially with your teachers. Make sure you have anything you could ever want, pens, pencils, rubbers, rulers … Highlighters and sharpeners are important, too. (If you need to ask why, I’m very sorry for you.)
ERM, WHICH BOOK AGAIN?
You need you school books around with you anytime you’ll need them. Check your schedule the night before and organise all the books you have to bring to your classes. These will likely be the heaviest things in your bag, so don’t carry any you don’t need, but in the same way never leave a book behind. I don’t think that forgetfulness is something your teachers will appreciate.
DOODLE PAD … I MEAN, NOTEBOOK
With a notebook you could like a spy, eavesdropping on any conversations you hear and writing it down. Go undercover! Wooo! Become James Bond.
Alright, I’ll be honest, that’s a load of bogus. A notebook isn’t supposed to be James Bond – its true purpose is for doodling, of course! Many of my lessons and lunchtimes are spent sitting in the library, drawing.
I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I forgot to bring a sketchbook in my bag! It is definitely essential, and it helps you let out the stress of having mountains of homework…
And last but certainly not least, food. Never surrender yourself to the horrifying sludge they sell in the school cafeteria. I’m willing to bet it’s more unhealthy than it is healthy. Also, just getting through the school day is pretty exhausting – you’ll need a snack or two to help your through.
And if you’re saying, ‘well, school food isn’t than bad!’ then you have obviously never eaten school food. The sludge that schools serve is more like alien gloop than any edible substance. Always bring your own food, unless you want to die of food poisoning!
Don’t say I didn’t warn you …
CHAPTER TWO: FRIEND ‘N’ FIENDS, Part 1